- 07 Aug 2020 -
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, am I the mirror, or is the mirror me? Is there no mirror? That’s the premise of the Chaos Magik rite, https://web.archive.org/web/20181013122450/https://www.chaosmatrix.org/library/chaos/rites/beyondwall.html. They say that this practice restores an inner energy they’re calling “free belief”, an energy that we run out of as we get older. This exercise asks you to contemplate Neither-Neither scenarios, what if there is no black or white?
Trying this out for myself, I became thrilled with the results. I had a feeling that felt as if water were boiling and bubbling over in my chest. As I took in each breath, I felt as if I were rejuvenating instead of depleting. Unlike other personal experiences with energy, this had an “open” quality to it. It was as if a glob of dense water was created inside my chest. There was a quality of spaciousness within this density, that reminds me of the sensation of lifting a submerged piece of paper out of water. This was as it was described in the rite’s text, that one would feel a vacuum of energy become available to them.
My body wanted to dance. The outside world that had seemed sharp and repulsive became a world that could be appreciated and absorbed. There was a total sense of freedom from a force I could not see that had been tying me down and binding me. It was like I was remembering, “Oh yeah!”. That “Oh yeah!” described a kind of remembrance that, said in unformulated thought, “I am just taking a first look at something, I am just looking. There isn’t anything I need to believe in right now.”
My religious upbringing was triggered by what I considered. Considering, “God, No God? Neither God and Neither Not God?”, “Neither Good Neither Evil?”, “Neither Order, Neither Chaos?”. There was a fear in which I was afraid that I could be doing something wrong. A certain sense of fear of insanity within this, but reason allowed me to go through with it. I was able to keep in mind that I was not doing anything, I was just thinking and contemplating as I always have. In a way, that is what these kinds of considerations allowed me to feel a release from. That my mind is perpetually struggling to understand concepts such as Good and Evil, continuously to some degree under a state of stress and duress. Having a temporary relief from that, I could only describe being as if you were to unpolarize a set of magnets. I realized that not only did I not know the answer to these quandaries, but also that my suffering from them was unnecessary. It is as if from that space of energy I released, that space became full of creative energy for which I can use and work with to create.
It has been a month or so since initially engaging in this as a deep meditation. Since then I have found a new appreciation in these playful, temporary states of not knowing, of not trying to figure it out. I have been learning how to make the most of the many moments and states of being in life, which I will go into in “Harnessing Chaos to Increase Your Productivity in Life”
Thanks for Reading, -JB