Grasping To Acknowledge
- 05 Feb 2021 -
When I was younger, I struggled with a changing and disassociated sense of identity. Looking back on that now, I think I can see where this struggle resided. I can glimpse what it was I was trying to do.
Putting narratives aside, if I were a collection of my ever expanding memories, words, feelings, emotions, and behaviors, I think that I was always trying to fit that mass of ingredients into a box that I could hold onto. Without realizing it, I was trying to grasp at these ever changing things with tethers held with many hands.
When I ask myself why I would do that, I feel that I am glimpsing an answer to a deeper question. I recognize my need to feel seen and heard by the world, and I am reminded of my attempts to achieve in this world to be recognized. I am reminded that all of humanity also strives to achieve in the world in the same way as I have. If everyone is taking the same action, including myself, I could perhaps assume that we are all taking this action for the same reason. And yet, while surface reasons exist, I haven’t known if there were another, deeper reason for this action.
Upon reflecting on who has attempted to grasp at things with many hands, I have had a moment of self awareness that I have not before. I have recognized that there may be even more than those ingredients that I have attempted to put in this box, a box for me to hold and look at. I have seen that while there is the sleeping me, the me that is sleeping throughout my life in a barely aware trance, somewhere in between his moments, is someone else watching me.
Upon this moment of self awareness, I see that this person is not just trying to piece together me. This person is aware of and processing and observing more. All of it. More than just the memories I’m connected to right now. There is someone remembering all of the memories of my past. That someone, is observing all of the information involving the experience so far. Not just what my eyes see right now, but an entire conception of what this world is, what this universe is, all at once.
There has always been a me, aware that I am more, able to see more than I am, able to know more than I can. When I think of who I am, it is that collection, that entity whom I am thinking of.
It’s impossible for me to see it all at once, as I can’t consciously remember all of the states I have experienced and all of the ways I have felt, I can be quite forgetful. But I am aware that what makes up my conception of the actual me, is all of that in one image.
A larger picture is always being reinterpreted and observed.
This is where I propose a new idea. What if I am not only participating in the world to feel seen and heard? What if that is only half of the equation?
If have already proposed the idea that I am not the only one continuing to take the action of participating in the world, and I have already questioned if we are all participating for the same deeper reason, then I could propose that perhaps I am not the only one who has a deeper self, a self that composes all of them, that is aware of all of their world.
I cannot help drawing a new conclusion to this. That perhaps. My actions are not only to be seen and heard. That my actions are always driven by a deeper, quieter, message to the world, that has and will always say the same thing.
The need to feel seen and heard, as a message of action, seems to say, “There is more to me than you can see.”
But perhaps this second message, this second half of the equation, is saying, “I see you, everything, more than you know that I do. I don’t know how to express to you that I can see.”
I feel that most of our need to participate in this world actually has more to do with our insistence on sending this second message. For reasons beyond my current understanding, we seem to not know how, or perhaps are afraid to announce this.
When I watch someone I know interact with the world, I see more. I can see the person who is sleeping, who is not fully aware, and I can see that there is another part of them active, that is far more aware of far much more.
I feel that when we express that we really know someone, a part of what we are saying is that we are able to see an image of that other part, of this background actor, that is always asking to be acknowledged of its existence.
Perhaps, a far deeper level of trust resides in our background selves acknowledging each other. Perhaps “If only you could see the way I see you.” is an example of this kind of acknowledgement.
In any case, time has taught me that for the forefront me to live fully, I cannot be attempting to hold onto or recapture all that I have been. Change is only harder and more painful to experience if I try to hold on.
I now wonder if the strive for authenticity is also an attempt to better showcase the background image of self.