self/trauma - 07 Aug 2020 -
I am now here in the life of my dreams with access to amazing people. The person who arrived is not the person who is supposed to be here.
I hear that person scream in my mind trapped and I don’t know how to unlock the door. I have the faint sensation that I need to cry and I don’t know why. I don’t know what I think or what I feel, only that I am cold, that there is no escape. I know I am embarrassed that the person who has shown up to the world is the one who was rejected in the past. The one who was too much, not accepted. Who never fit in. Now I’m projecting that, and I can’t stop. It feels that if I take any action, I will break the porcelain ornaments I attempt to pick up. Each recent day has been a hope that that person falls back asleep but instead here I am again.
Here becomes this terror, of not being able to move in any direction, that my feet will step on one mine and set off the entire field. That when the master returns to the field, he will find that all of his crop has spoiled, and ask me what have I done. And I will yell at him and ask him why he left me here in his absence. And we will sit down together, alone in the dead field, possibilities lost, precious life wasted.
The only thing I can sense is a dam behind my eyes that I know is a cry wanting to be released and I know that cry is because I’m not the one that prayed for this life, I’m not the one that connected to people, I’m the shell. And the only thing worse than not showing up as the shell, is showing up as the shell.
August 14, 2020
The ego is always afraid of being what is now, to let go of an old story that is no longer. Step away from the old, place your feet upon the cobblestone and walk.
September 25, 2020
You were trying to present yourself as who you were not to gain affection, approval, admiration, recognition by others that you needed to give to yourself. This is not you. Accept you, be who you are now. Stop trying to be what you’re not, stop trying to be who you think you ought to be and accept who you are right now.