- 09 Aug 2020 -
In my young life I was a writer and a dreamer, always living life in my imagination. I looked at the world around me from an outsider’s perspective. I was in love with learning itself, and found passion in absorbing every byte of information the world had to offer.
Socially I was crazy and disruptive, an attention seeker and a troublemaker. With friends I played unpaid therapist and rebellious instigator of anarchy. My maniacal dreams usually included world domination for better or worse. I remember a few kids asked me if I would be president one day. In truth I wonder if I was more of an actor playing out my own stories, my favorite of all being my narcissistic, egotistical creation of self.
From child to early adulthood my life included trials of religious conditioning, trauma, unstable homes, minor crime, mental health issues, night terrors, drug addictions, self repression, Athiesm, many dark nights of the soul. The longest night of depression lasted a little over a decade and roughly climaxed in a complete and total self destruction. A combination of drug abuse and insomnia took my terrified mind traveling into the void with no protection, with every synapse, every last neuron firing at once, the red alerts screaming,‘Fatal Error’ went unacknowledged before I was to see all of the universe open up to me, no hallucinogenics included.
My travel through the imagination destroyed me, and it was far more than enough experience to spend one lifetime reflecting on. This experience rooted fear deep into my being and destroyed what I knew as my self. I became a hollow shell. From that point on it became clear to me that fear is my only true enemy. Reflecting back now, I am grateful for that amount of exposure to the unknown to have a comparison of how small the fears of daily life are, and to grow me into person capable of having the courage to take risks. When you face death in the face, and you arise again in the morning, something changes that will never be the same again. You stop caring about what the world tells you. You start defining life on your own terms. You start to treat your life like you really might lose it tomorrow, because the worst thing that could happen is you might lose it tomorrow, and death just is not as scary anymore. It makes you look at what you care about. People. The Earth. Yourself. Everything else on the surface pales in comparison to what matters.
As I entered the next chapter of life, I found something. I believe that what I found might be called an idea. I had stumbled upon a truth, one that was more real than any other I had ever possessed. The truth that there is a force beyond that which is seen, that is the essence of life, that composes all thought, all imagination, all experience, and all of me. And within it all, was a feeling we call love, a love that binds everything together under one universal law. The law that everything will be okay, by the force’s own design.
A fire had started within my heart, and I had connected to a spirit outside and within my being. My perspective began to change to one of appreciation for life. I began to manifest the future I desired through my own writings. Life soon opened up an opportunity for me to take a risk, a leap of faith, to leave my home and comfort zone to be taught about love, light and my heart. My kundalini awakened, I began massively healing and I was able to access flow, source essence and creativity.
As that time drew to a close, I became afraid of the unfamiliar. I ran back to my old life and highly conditioned church. I brought an awakened light back with me, and it began to change my old life, heal my old relationships. At first people rejected the new me as a falsity, but within a short time they became grateful for what I was able to share and how I was able to help them, by giving them such things as compassion and grace and positivity. My little world began to value me and I began to value myself.
I found a job where I was able to kill my pride, and I would put on a hat that allowed me to enter a state of humility where I felt safe enough to love and show compassion to an entire city of suffering people. I changed from a person who was afraid of going outside to a person deeply rooted in nature, with a heart open to connect to multitudes of people. I was proud of myself for the first time. There were days of fulfillment beyond what I could have imagined, where I could have spent eternity in each moment and been happy. I learned to operate as the observer, and that is where I have spent most of my conscious time, wearing the hats of compassionate witness and deep listener for myself and others. I took time for myself in grounding and reconnecting with the divine in nature.
There were times that my perspective and reality shifted so drastically I would say that in comparison to normal life it was a different paradigm, a different dimension, not unlike my memory of how life was experienced when I was a child or during ‘hyper-real’ dreams, those that are more real, clear, and detailed than daily life.
Since that time life put me with various teachers to learn from, usually two at a time, each offering me opposing teachings during a given period. I was taught how to end the old story, end reactivity, and come into beingness, to stay fully present in the moment and live from my heart.
Now I cut through fear by reaching out for the sake of another, and that action continually brings me into a reality where I am flowing in light, healing, and capable of outpouring love. I look at the altruistic characteristics and traits I value and I embody them. I look at my past as memories and triggers arise and I offer compassion and forgiveness to them. And that brings me to now.
Now I’ve recognized that what I want now is not ‘success’, it is to be playing on a larger playing field, with more and more influential people who understand unconditional love, and I am excited to see what life continues to have in store for me.