- 20 Aug 2020 -
My thoughts have been, I would never surrender to God. I want what I want.
I want to live the life I want to live. Even if I’m doing what God wants, I am doing it on my own terms. Because I have a conviction. Because I care about people and myself and if given the chance I would kill God myself if it was for the sake of what I care about. Because if saving what I cared about meant being tortured in fear and death, words that go far beyond words, I would do it. I’ve already done it once. It might not be bearable but I would make the choice to do it again.
I can feel that. The attachment to that ego. I can start to see it now, and see where my logic falls apart. If I care that much, if that is what truly matters to me, and I know of my own shortcomings and lack of awareness, and I know that there is something greater than me that has that power, if I am willing to do anything for that conviction, than I must let go of that attachment.
I can’t want what I think I want.
I can’t live the life I think i want to live.
I can’t do it on my own terms.
I have to get the fuck out of my own way.