- 25 Sep 2020 -

There is a causal relationship between my writing output and my feelings of shame and guilt for being selfish.

As I push myself to write, I come up against a resistance of shame that from many voices tells me it is not okay for me to be okay, to write and create. The feeling says that I cannot play and have fun, that I can not make my own choices. That I will be attacked by the outside world if anyone sees that I am not following the normal way. That if I place faith and trust in what I cannot see, I am an ‘idiot’, a ‘moron’, ‘stupid’. That any investment in myself is a waste of time. That any risk that strays from the acceptable is foolish.

The farther I challenge this, the farther into my heart I find bitterness and resentments I did not know were there. As they express themselves they turn to anger, an anger that comes into my bones, clears my mind. As I breathe into this anger I feel a new power. As I settle and acclimate into it rather than being absorbed and consumed by it, I feel a new stability, a new control, a calming serenity.

Passion ignites anger directed at the anger itself. An awareness in me has no choice but to find forgiveness and compassion before my flame burns itself out.

Back to Destination Unknown

Hey, You. Everything is going to be Okay. Ok?