What Do You Want Deeply
- 04 Jun 2021 -
Me: What do I want so deeply, but also scares me to try?
Other: What do I want? I want to be free! I want to be okay! I want to sin and dance and [be] nude and love and be real, all the way real. I want to be sweet and kind and fun and funny and nurturing and like a mother hen, I want to be compassionate and make others feel safe and express all that I am, I want my spirit to pour out of me and spill out into my world, I want the love I feel towards me to be felt, I want my love to be felt!
Me: What scares you to try?
Other: I scare me. I’m afraid ill go too far, and not come back. I get scared when I don’t feel like me. When I feel unrecognizable or totally empty. I get scared when I think others are going to hurt me. I start feeling a lump in my throat and a weight on my skin and a heaviness behind my eyes like I need to release a storm of emotion. I get scared that old emotions will resurface that were painful and that I couldn’t handle. I get scared that I’ll make bad decisions and destroy myself and hurt others in response to those feelings. I get scared that I’ll persecute myself.
Me: What if I held your hand? What if you can be who you need to be? What if it’ll be okay? What if you don’t need to hide anymore? We can fall and get back up, remember? If you get hurt, you’ll still be okay because you’ll still be expressing you! We can make mistakes! If we make mistakes we’ll move from there! We don’t have to worry about worst case decisions because we’ve gained a lot of wisdom and have habits of making good and smart choices! We’re diving in all the way because we know love is the answer! And I love you! And I want to see you in my world! I want to experience all of you! I’m so happy you’re here and I want you to know that I don’t reject you! You’re included! You’re here to be experienced! Please let out your self expression!
Other: I don’t know how, I don’t know what to do. Okay. I want to trust you, I want to believe you, I want to work with you.
Me: Okay. We will work together. You self express and I will take care of the rest. No more hiding, the hiding has not been what you want and need, be who you need to be!
Me: Questions round 2. Are you trying to prove something? Are you trying to protect me?
Other: I’m dissolving. Dissolving, you win, I can’t go on this isn’t me. Protect you? I lost you and couldn’t find you. I failed. I don’t even know how I tried to protect what I didn’t even have. I don’t want to let them hurt you but I don’t know how to stop them. I am a bad teacher. I fucked up. I didn’t want to take responsibility for all these fucking years of inactivity and laziness and betrayal. I betrayed you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to forgive me for this.
Me: I forgive you. Let. Go. Dissolve. We’re gonna be okay. It’s okay to be okay. I want you to repeat that now, It’s okay to be okay.
Other: It’s okay to be okay. It is okay to be okay. I am being okay. But I can’t be okay.
Me: No, you can’t. And that’s okay. Please let the warmth in and let go now.